GET A LIFE: Be true to self

GET A LIFE: Be true to self
2011/09/24
TESSIE LIM

Read more: GET A LIFE: Be true to self http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/GETALIFE_Betruetoself/Article#.Tn7oYJ0rAcY.email#ixzz1aSFfWsRA

THIS week, I’ve thought a lot about why people get angry. I’m curious. Why do we get offended so easily? What are we attempting to accomplish when we say unkind, sarcastic, insulting things in retaliation? How much revenge is enough?
I’ve observed some cases where people don’t seem to know when to stop!

Are there really only two answers — yes and no? Only two sides — right and wrong or two colours — black and white? Are we such primitive beings that we cannot entertain two or more concepts at the same time... without personalising? Does everything always have to be about us?

How many of us can consider the situation from the other person’s viewpoint?


How often do you take the organisational perspective, and then look at universal ramifications? Most of us rage ahead simply because Ego must speak first. Ego must speak loudest!

Swiss psychologist Carl Jung spoke about our “shadow”. He said that individually and collectively, we have repressed a huge amount of guilt and shame about ourselves. Our fear of facing our weaknesses is so strong that we often project our faults onto others, we make them wrong for whatever it is we hate in ourselves.

This is commonly seen in societies, even countries where people wage war on others, accuse and attack them for what turns out to be a reflection of their own crimes and indiscretions. I’m thinking the United States, Iraq, Guantanamo Bay and weapons of mass destruction. I’m thinking religious fundamentalism. What are you thinking?


The map is not the territory. The menu is not the meal. Although of the same species, our thinking can be totally different. Perceptions, prejudices, interpretations, assumptions, expectations, deletions, generalisations, distortions occur naturally simply because we value things differently.

The meaning of our communication is the response we get. Ever done something you thought would blow your partner’s mind only to find that they blew their top instead? We may set out with the best intentions but there’s no surefire
way to guarantee how others receive our message, is there?

What do we do when situations don’t go according to (our) plan?

Some folks behave like (self-appointed) movie directors. They believe they decide what roles people should play. In their mind, every “actor” must perform according to their script.

And when we don’t get our way, like spoilt children, we pout, blame, withhold, criticise and bad-mouth. Like bullies, we want to win (over the weak?) How come we interpret every victory, benefit or success that someone else receives as something that’s taken from us? When others do better, we see it as a threat, our sense of self is diminished.

Those who have limited ability to think, communicate, collaborate and resolve differences end up getting angry. Those who have a fragile sense of who they are and what they’re actually capable of, get angry. Self-assured souls have nothing to prove. They are unshakeable, un-insult-able. Check yourself. How often do you get defensive... or aggressive? The more uncertain we are about ourselves, the more sensitive we become to those around us, and the more we try to be someone we’re not. We become very concerned about what others think about us, and we continually seek approval from everyone around us. As a result, we become susceptible to guilt, shame and humiliation.

What stops us from just allowing people to be who they are? Instead of working so hard to control, why can’t we just let go, relax, accept and appreciate? When are we going to notice that we’re all so different and yet alike in that we all want power to make our own choices, each one fighting for the freedom of self-expression?

The whole thing is about integrity and being our real and actual selves. In essence we are pure potential.

Everything that is not about love comes from fear. Anger comes from fear. When we are untrue, we begin to sell ourselves short. The only way to restore our integrity is to reclaim our true selves.


When commitment is lacking

I HAVE problems managing my staff. I’m a senior manager with more than 20 years experience as a leader and yet people still baffle me with their excuses and failure to commit to what is obviously good for their own careers. Why should I push and train them when they themselves don’t care?

There’s no magic fix for employee performance problems. Every situation is unique to the individual. However, here are some common reasons for performance problems. Firstly, people can’t find meaning in their work that connects them to what they want in real life. As such, they lack motivation.

Secondly, people know what to do but don’t know how to do it. Their pride prevents them from asking for guidance and direction.

Thirdly, people think they are already performing at acceptable levels, so if you approach them without clear criteria for measuring quality, they resist.

Also, the system is set up so that people can “get away” with non-performance.

In fact, there’s not much recognition for good performance anyway.

Lastly, many things are outside what the employees can control. These issues interfere — such as the number of meetings in a day, etc. This saps energy, focus and concentration.

Here are questions to help you decide what next: 1. What do you want to achieve as leader/manager in your organisation? 2. If you achieved that, what else becomes possible for you? 3. When do you want this by? 4. What qualities in yourself must you access, so that success is smooth and certain?

Notice I’ve stayed focused on you — your capability, purpose and intentions.

Because you want the best for yourself, because you know you have the experience and the expertise to produce a greater outcome... for yourself. How differently would you now lead and behave so that those employee performance issues are overcome?


Feeding into insecurity

WHEN it comes to my husband, my skills in engagement goes to pieces! I think it’s because I put him on a pedestal. I need his approval so much that I find it hard to be myself when I’m in his company. But I can’t bear to lose him. What should I do?

Do you love your husband? Does your husband love you? I know, what a horrible thing to ask. Just a reminder though, to make sure you stay true to your vows... “To love for better or worse, richer or poorer...”
Why then would you live in fear of losing him?

Here’s what I would say to women I care about: Find a partner with whom you feel good about yourself. Find someone who inspires you to be better than you already are. If we’ve chosen to be with someone we’re so afraid of losing, what does that mean? It seems like our self-image is weak and we need “beefing up” by partnering with someone who is (perceived to be) stronger, better, more worthwhile. We’ve become dependent or entered into a co-dependent relationship where both feed off each other’s insecurities. Certain men feel more “manly” if they had someone “dressing up” for them. Either way, it would be difficult to “live happily ever after.”

Be true to Self, I say. “Why should I do things your way,” you say. Because you’ll find in the end, it’s the only way... to love... and peace.

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